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Thursday, February 28, 2008

So it's been 3 weeks since I'm back.
I would like to think I've been moving on rather progressively.
Getting used to being alone, being independent, being without you...
I don't know why words like 'you'll always have a place in my heart' still streak my eyeliner but I know it's almost impossible to revive the love and laughter we shared.
Maybe I'm numbed, maybe you made it too easy for me to walk away by hurting me so bad, or maybe I'm just starting not to see a point in it all anymore but just maybe... And just maybe, I still love you. A lot. Deep down...
Cause your words still touch my heart, cause your laughter still makes me smile, cause when I read others, I still think about 'us' - how picture perfect it was and what could've been.
Sometimes I still question 'why' but I don't cry at every thought anymore. I'm learning to be glad for the things we once had, to forgive but not forget.
It may seem contradictory to put moving on and reminiscing on the same line but you know it's cause no matter how far, you'll always be a part of me.

'We' live forever in photographs and memories - always, always - as promised.

Maybe one day I'll find her who loved me, again.
For now, goodbye to you who left me.

\champagne kisses
11:48 PM

x o x o

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Shite. I need more determination than this.
If only I didn't have to go back!
OMG. Save me!

\champagne kisses
12:30 PM

x o x o

Friday, February 08, 2008

New Year's Eve was bad. I spent the last hour of it and the first few hours of the first day of CNY bawling my eyes out of its sockets. I am sooooo weak, I hate myself sometimes. Sigh. I don't know if I can be considered strong for being able to hold on all these while or... Oh wells, all I can say is, I really tried my very best to make things work and to still be there for you but you've decided to take flight anyhow. Hurts so damn bad and scarred for good but I also think I cried the last of my tears.
I'll just let the beautiful memories stay and time heal my soul, and no, I still don't hate you or blame you for anything. I'll still be here should you ever need me.

Time to move on fatfaceself!
Sometimes I wish I had a sister or just a sibling I'm close to. I'm sure I'll move on much faster. Friends are good and I'm really thankful for those that were there for me all these while but there's always a time I feel bad for whining too much so, family's always best. I know I can always count on my mum but I really don't wanna disappoint or worry her. Maybe Crystle's right that sometimes you gradually become okay by pretending you are.
I just might cause I haven't cried today since I woke up though I still lapse in and out of sadness. I'm still adjusting my emotions and stuff but I will convince myself someone will love me better.
Step one, find eye candy!
Hmm... And I think I might have already got one. Woots!

I need positivity in my life! So breed it for me okay?
Like what Phil said, Singapore is not small but compact.
Pink elephant theory!

Day two of CNY WILL be better.

\champagne kisses
3:11 AM

x o x o

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Are you really at a happier place?
Do the flowers never wither?
Does the sun always shine for you?
Are the stars brighter than those of where I'm at?
Are you smiling like how I imagine you to be, till your eyes can't be seen?
Does your blankie keep you warm enough these days?
And when you're sad and lonely, do the clouds dance for you, birds sing for you, like how I used to?
Does the place you seek refuge at today feel safer and warmer than my embrace?

Are you really at a happier place?
Will you take me there with you someday?

Will you?

\champagne kisses
12:42 AM

x o x o

Monday, February 04, 2008

My heart's broken and you leave me so damaged.
I can't eat or sleep and I hate sitting at the dinner table cause I have to force food down my throat no matter how nauseous I feel, choke back on my tears and pretend everything's good.
I don't wish to be so depressed all the time and I wish I can genuinely say I'm fine but I know I'm far from it.
Your words keep ringing in my head and I keep thinking about everything and I'm breathless with trying to keep up with you. I think I'm one month behind...
I can feel myself slowly going insane and I don't wanna be Britney.

Will you please say something to me?
No msn chats, no smses, no phone calls, no emails, no nothing...
I'm about to die alone and you probably won't even know.
Would you even shed a tear if I'm gone?

\champagne kisses
7:57 AM

x o x o

Sunday, February 03, 2008

One Wish - Rosette

it never feels right when we're apart
and it's even harder now
watching the lights shine bright as the snow falls down
everybody's rushing home tonight, to be together
but baby you're so far away
so i just had to call you to say

i don't need a thing
don't need the whitest snow
or the tallest tree
just one wish, one wish,
that i could be with you this christmas

i don't need a thing
dont' need the brightest star shining over me
just one wish, one wish,
that i could be with you this christmas

remember we were lost in our first kiss
underneath the mistletoe
it was only last year
but now it seems long ago (oh babe)
what i would've give to see your face
to have you near me now
but baby you're so far away
so i just had to call you to say

i don't need a thing
don't need the whitest snow
or the tallest tree
just one wish, one wish,
that i could be with you this christmas

i don't need a thing
don't need the brightest star shining over me
just one wish, one wish,
that i could be with you this christmas

and if i'd have to spend tonight alone
at least i've got you on the phone
and in my heart i feel you're here with me

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And I don't even think I can call whenever I think of you...

\champagne kisses
10:59 PM

x o x o

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all?

I say to have loved and lost cause even if given another chance, I wouldn't change a thing except cherish every moment more.

If only I didn't have to say goodbye...
If only...
It hurts so bad I don't even know how to start this end.

I'll always remember how sweet it was to love and to be loved by you.

\champagne kisses
4:10 PM

x o x o

Friday, February 01, 2008

And the worst has happened...
I can't say I didn't expect it but yet it still came as a shock.
My gut didn't fail me again. Sometimes, like this, I wish as hell it did.
Ominous clouds hovering over my head refuse to dissipate. Haven't I had enough?
If tears streaming for five hours and counting isn't heartache, then what is?

You are the reason why words are cheap.
People like you are why people die of broken hearts and depression.
No one will know what 'fickle' really means until they meet you.
Yet it was only with you that I felt really loved.

I don't understand why if you've already decided why did you continue to pretend otherwise? And everyone knows 'I don't know' is not an answer.
If you thought I controlled you like a puppet, then what am I? Your little ragdoll you play with when you're bored or upset with the rest of the world and throw away when you don't need anymore?
I did everything you want me to, to the best of my abilities. I didn't mind being at your beck and call. I wanted to make you happy. I liked seeing you smile.
I know that many times I did things you didn't like... Like throwing my temper when you went out with her. I'm sorry but I hope you blame me not cause I wanted to be the one you love again. You once said we share something very special cause we can never stay mad at each other for long and I agree... I can never stay mad at you no matter how mean you are to me or how shabbily you treat me. You're just... Special.
Only that you made me believe you still need me then tell me not anymore.
I really don't care if the rest of the world thinks I'm stupid cause I know how I feel... But I guess when things are made clear there's no longer any reason for me to continue being 'stupid'.
Yet I can't help thinking of tucking you into bed for one last time, knowing it'll never happen.

My head hurts like fuck from fatigue and excessive crying and nothing seems to distract me enough tonight. Not mobtv, not youtube, not even blogging... In fact I don't wish to continue anymore.

I hope you're sleeping well... Cause I'm only walking away thinking it'll make you smile.

\champagne kisses
5:53 AM

x o x o