But now I feel guilty cause 25% is quite a lot. Seriously speaking, my bad.
However, considering that we hardly use eye colours and that a full bottle of pigments will probably last us a couple of years, we decided to half the guilt and share it!
Shopping galore.
Then series of outings with sweets which made me very very very broke but still lovin' it. Hehe.
The distorted muffins which tasted really good, imho. Heh.
Feel the love. Hoho.
I think I spent what could have been to feed me for one good semester in yucky Perfff and I feel really guilty but happy at the same time. Lol.
This is love... The love, man!
Now I'm thinking of ways to con my father into buying me a new handphone! I know, I'm a scheming bitch. Hur.
Yet another emo night...
I have a gazillion things to say but they seem oh-so-familiar whilest running them through my head, as if I've said it gazillion times. Or maybe I have... Oh wells...
I'm extending my stay for another week. Perhaps it's my way of running away but honestly, I'm just glad to be home and away from the atrocities of life and the lowly beings - the bane of my life.
Why can't things be as simple as I envisioned them to be?
Fall in love, kiss and be merry?
I was too naive to simply believe we were happy. Maybe I was but you weren't and that's why you go away, I know... I'm losing faith and strength as the hours drag by. To be awake is a fucking torture and falling asleep has became a damn chore.
I wish I could still hold my faith with as much dignity as before but I'm gradually, slowly and painfully falling apart, crumble by crumble.
As I think back, I wonder how did I manage to coax my broken heart to overlook your atrocities as they are blatantly and deliberately placed infront of my enlarged pupils, like a mighty forceful stab in the back. I must be a deity or an angel of some sort. I must be...
Reaping what you sow no longer holds the same sorta meaning to me, neither does love and that sorta thing. I've taken down the walls I've built around my fragile heart one too many times only to let you stage multiple massacres, bringing me down once again.
Sometimes the simplest wishes are the hardest to fulfill and to that, I'm resignated.
But yet sometimes, I see a sparkle of light which seems to be hinting at answers I'm seeking.
I don't know how long more I can hold on or how long more am I willing to be disillusioned and every single second my heart and mind are waging wars against each other, fighting till the death of me.
Tonight, yet another war is being fought;
Love always wins but yet I'm always left defeated.
I'm sorry, I didn't know I bruise this easily.
Teach me to love with this hurt.
x o x o
It's been about two months since I last blogged and soon it'll be three months since I got ditched.
Ha. I don't even know who's still clicking this page. Lol. Wanted to ditch this blog like how I got ditched but there's a peculiar urge to say something tonight. Maybe it's a change in my mental state or maybe I'm feeling lonely tonight or maybe it's cause the date looks nice (cheers to the superficiality of mankind) or just maybe, I had too much durians tonight. I know, doesn't make any sense but really, can we make any sense out of this world right now? You see what you want to see, you hear what you want to hear, you believe what you want to believe, you do what you want to do - black or white, wrong or right, fight or flight - no one has a say, no one wants to claim the part they have to play.
I think I can say I'm starting to come to my senses (I can feel it but not quite there yet) and I don't know if I quite like it. I know, must be thinking I'm crazy but I'm not. Y'know it's like for this period of time, my life has been so intensely focused on you-know-what and now that the focal point is out of sight, I feel kinda lost and I really don't like that. Having said that, I really don't like being kept in the dark and being led by the nose either. I know pride is something that can't be held up too high but trust me, I think I've put down too much of it and it's just because I believed (in nothing). Up till now all I have are cheap talks which aren't even consistent to begin with. What goes on behind the curtains after the show, I really don't know and can't bear to even start imagining. I know we're all going to the worst case scenarios here but really, let's just try not to go there cause when my mind starts to work its magic, my gut is being made very sick. I still feel cheap when I think of how I held on (and still) but I applaud my strength to allow myself to be that pathetic being not once, not twice but over and over. To the person whom this may concern, I'm probably trying to play the victim (again) but really, I'm not. Throughout this whole ordeal, I've never blamed anyone though I admit I did have feelings of anger and resentment, envy and jealousy but afterall I'm made of flesh, blood and a pulsating heart. Can you blame me? And you probably don't know this but I've always thought I had a part to play cause if I were good enough, if I had done enough, you wouldn't have boarded another flight. Despite everything that had happened, I still stood right there at square one, right beside you cause I had a heart, cause I'm sentimental, cause I cherish, cause I'm true and most importantly cause I love. What do I gain in making you look bad? Sympathy? I really don't need that. I'm beginning to wonder if you even know me and if I really know you cause I can no longer guess what you're thinking or how you're feeling but whatever, all of these don't really matter right now. Maybe the distance did us some good by giving us some space to think of what we really want and to do what we really wanna do.
Since you can do it, I can too!
All I need is to let go of some inhibitions.
My only fear is to face all that hurt again. I'm afraid of not being able to handle it a second time. I don't wanna lead that kinda life that sucks the life outta me again... ):
x o x o
