Happy 2008 everyone!
If things weren't fine for you in 2007, I hope they're starting to look up this brand new year and if you've been fine and dandy, I hope things will start to suck for you cause it's my turn to smile now. Haha. I'm kidding, please!! Not that mean...
All I can say is that I'm glad I survived 2007. Nothing good even came close. No special feelings about turning 21, not surprised that certain events didn't turn out like how I imagined them to be.
One year ago I was the happiest girl in the world. I had so much drive and fervour I never knew I had, for life. I could die and be contented. Really. I never knew I can ever be that happy.
Even though I've lost it all, just remniscing still makes my heart smile but just within nano-seconds, I would find tears soaking my cheeks and myself choking from excessive mucus; That's how hard reality's biting me.
As pessimistic as I may sound, I already forsee myself gritting my teeth through 2008.
Somehow I hope you're reading this...
I miss you.
Can you tell?
I can't sleep even though my body's begging me to give it some rest.
I think I slept barely 10hours the past 3 days and I'm beginning to lose my appetite.
I think I'm gonna re-watch The L Word cause Shane's so hot.
I miss watching it with you though I know you only watched cause I liked it. I miss hearing you say Carmen's so hot. I miss the times you did things only cause I liked doing them. I miss the times you let me do the things you liked with you; I miss watching soccer. Still the same teams, still the same players but it's just no longer the same without you. I miss working with you. I miss the times you looked to my station just to deliver a smile (the lope-sided one that I can never fail to return), and the times I deliberately walk pass your station just to slip a love coaster into your hands.
My head's splitting from a bad headache. The past is threatening to burst every vessel in my head. I can't forget; I can't stop this machine of mine.
I hope it fails me.
I wanna rest.
I miss the oh-so-often late night suppers even though they made me fat. I miss taking the buses and trains with you. Even walking... I miss how you'll nag at me for wasting money on cabs cause we've already spent all our money on shopping and food. I miss how I had the chance to throw tantrums and get my way (or not - it doesn't matter). I miss how you gave the word 'irritating' an endearing ring. I miss our pointless squabbles about how I can't hold your hand continuously for more than 10mins, or when I fall asleep in the movie, or when you give me a wrong answer for 'did I put on weight'... Haha.
I miss the time we fought seemingly seriously but yet bursted out into laughter in unison cause I dug my elbows into your thighs in all despicability.
It still makes me smile. Did, still do, always will.
I guess you forgot...
My eyes hurt from crying. Swollen and ugly but yet comforting. At least I'm not numbed. I still wanna feel. Even if it's pain...
I know my friends that have been with me these past 9months will be disappointed in my progress or rather the lack of it but I just can't walk away (yet). I totally see where they are all coming from and I really appreciate the patience to listen and the effort to make me feel better.
Their presence is the only reason why I'm still alive and reasonably sane. (:
These past 2 to 3 weeks you brought a glimmer of hope to a brighter 2008 but it was dashed 3 days ago. I still have no answer as to why this is happening. I keep coming up with excuses for you, reasons that didn't seem plausible but still, I haven't walked away.
You asked me not to give up... And I never did.
I guess I seem really foolish but all I can say is...
The things love makes people do.
The ball's in your court now, like always. I'm just waiting, like always.
I'll keep the other misses for another day.
Let's go home some day...
Baby, some day...

*ilu,s.
x o x o